when it rains, it pours..

Today the sun was shining. And it was pouring down rain. Sounds a lot like my life.
I'm feeling a lot like a failure right now.. Ive gained back 10 lbs out of the 35 that i had lost. How am I allowing myself to do this!?!? Its sooo frustrating! But i cant stop eating JUNK! I need help. Support. from someone who lives near me & cares enough to push me around. Although, Im not so sure thatd even matter. Im so stubborn and "my way or the highway" that idk if id listen to them anyway.. IM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CHANGE MYSELF. And I did. for soooo long. then i just FELL. and hard, too. I didnt even see it coming.
Now im all depressed. I want to puke. my stomach is sick. I cant believe Im doing this to myself. but thats just it. IM doing this. I need to go to bed. ughh... :'(

what is THAT supposed to mean???

I took a super needed nap this evening. Talk about refreshing!! with my disability to go to bed early, I was completely DONE. stick a toothpick in me. (you know, like you do with a cake to see if its done) I dont mind the whole "stick a fork in me" saying, but i bet a toothpick would hurt a lot less..
Anyway, I wouldnt want to use that fork again after that.

After i woke up, i spent some time with my baby & about 15mins after i got up, i started feeling this dull cramping feeling in my abdomen. Thinking nothing of it, since i have the IUD, i figured it was from that. It wasnt until I couldnt move & barely BREATHE that i realized this is NOT normal. I tried to let it pass for a good half an hour. It wasnt letting up. so I had my mom come & take me to the hospital while my husband(who hurt his back badly at work Yesterday) sat home with the kids.
I cant figure out why the doctor feels like its appropriate to press so hard on an area that you JUST told him hurts like hell! really, doc??

But apparently its all with good purpose. ... Long story short, they gave me a shot for pain, which THANK GOD, helped a great deal! & sent me home. I guarantee that this pain wont be gone in the morning. And after the shot wears off, Im sure itll be back to its painful self again. Ill call my personal doctor. Im sure hell pass it off as nothing like he does with mostly everything else, and we'll go from there!

another non-productive day... theres sooo much to do around here & i just dont feel like doing any of it! i want it to be spring. when will the clouds part & allow that sun to shine?! ughh. .
i made taco salad for dinner. it was cold. not because we didnt eat in time. it was supposed to be cold. it was good that way. im thinking tomorrow night is a good night for sammies :]

aggravating friendships have GOT to go!

I have worked very hard in my life & endured much heartache trying to clean up my "friends list".. im not just talking facebook here. Im talking REAL LIFE. There have been several people i would have rather not let go, but after seeing time & time again why they SHOULDNT be in my life... i finally gave up & gave em the boot.
I used to be all about forgiveness & excuses.. but that wasnt really working for me. So i decided that i wouldnt allow those people to hurt me over & over again any more. thats my right, isnt it? Heck yes, it is. Its also MY decision.
I mostly love hearing about all the things i condfided in them about being spewed from the mouth of the LAST people i wanted to know those things!
It hurt. Until i thought about it more. Why should i care what they know about me?? Am i not still ME regardless of what they know or Dont know?? Its just a matter of pride. And sister, Pride is for the birds! I can have all the pride in the world & it wont save me from myself. In fact, it only causes me MORE problems!

BAck to these "friends"! i cant believe how quickly i am to turn the focus to myself! its like this is supposed to be all about me! :P lol

ok, maybe enough about them.. I cant think of another negative thing to say as Jesus taps me on the shoulder & gives me "the look" as i glance back at Him. ;] I should try to keep my atttention on the GREAT PEOPLE i have in my life! WE HAD A MAJOR PROBLEM TODAY and a friend of mine was over getting a pedicure from these magic hands HAHA! Anyway, she recognized the agony & without so much as a 2nd thought, she fixed it! What a HUGE blessing from God! I love the friends I have aquired as a Christian the most, because they GET IT. they understand why I love our Lord so much & the best part.. THEY LOVE HIM TOO! *sighh* love it.

CUTE???

Im sititng here, updating my facebook status & I hear the tv in the other room.. theres a tampon commercial on & i barely catch the tail end of it.. "its like a tampon, only cuter." i dont get it. And now, thanks to my advanced case of easy distractability, i dont remember what i was getting at... hmm. Time for bed!

I cant eat another bite!

Today was pretty good. aside from the fact that all I did today was eat EVERYTHING in sight! We went for a drive to a nearby town & i helped myself to taco bell. arbys & when we got home, i downed a mint oreo blizzard. How am I supposed to lose weight when all i want to do is EAT!? I swear if i didnt know any better, id think i was pregnant! past the morning sickness & to the point where every single food imaginable sounds delicious. No.
i guess i dont mind TOO much most of the time that im hungry a lot, but I got rid of all of my bigger clothes and i am NOT buying more! I refuse to ever buy a bigger size than what im in right now. Its not gonna happen. NOPE.

on a different note. The san antonio spurs are getting swept in their playoff series by the pheonix suns.. i have no complaints ;] although steve nash is not aging well. lol he got cut up tonight, so i wont be too hard on him. Poor guy lol

i think its time to touch of the subject of BEDTIME. And how frustrated i am that i can never have an early one. No matter how early i have to get up! Grr... Then i really wonder why im always so stressed out!?!? Well, HMM. Idk what could be causing all these moodswings. ugh. Here it is 130am almost and im BLOGGING? Maybe i should just give it up. If i shut down, i wont miss anything. Because unlike ME, the rest of the world is Sleeping! whats wrong with me?!?

I want to start off by saying that I absolutely LOVE being a mother. There is nothing in my life that is more rewarding than watching my children grow. But i will not get to watch ALL of my children grow. There are 7 lives that I celebrate on Mother's Day. 4 lives that were lost before their first breaths were ever taken. Carried for such a short time within me. Never in my arms.. FOREVER IN MY HEART. And the lives of the 3 children I gave birth to. I know mothers day is a day people use to celebrate their mothers... but since i became a mother, It has transformed into a day for me to celebrate my children. Maybe they should have a Childrens Day. They deserve a day just for them, too.


Hearing their laughter in the other room, or seeing their faces light up when I come in from a trip to the store... I know that nothing I do will ever cause their love for me to faulter . A mothers love for her child is unconditional. But I would have to say that a childs love for his mother is Also unconditional. And I thank God for that! because Heaven knows that ive given my children a million reasons to hate me.

I just wanted to add that as I read the "going somewhere?" at the top of this page, I was a little creeped out LOL
i kinda feel like a psychopath. Oh well!

3 is never a crowd in THIS house

Ive been so busy this week. We're getting things ready for a rummage sale next weekend & im really just at the end of my rope. Im glad its Friday, because I dont think i could take another day of KIDS. Not Mine. Other peoples. Its crazy that I feel like being home with my 3 kids is me, getting a "break".. but after a day filled with 11 kids running around. taking care of my 3 seems like a walk in the park!
Oh, Friday.. today was Payday for 2 of my daycare families. Neither of which PAID me.. talk about frustrating. >.<>on my pay day. I wonder what these women would do if their bosses came up to them and said "Hey, ____, Look, Im not gonna be in town on payday, is it ok if I just pay you on Monday?" umm.. DOUBT IT. I dont think people really take what I do seriously. And why should they, right? I mean, Im not DOING anything. Im just sitting at home all day. Nevermind all the diapers I change, the meals I cook, the faces & hands I wash, the messes I clean up, the questions I answer, the books I read, The dishes I do. No one really notices the bottles I make, the hours I spend each month spoon feeding their child, the fights I break up (lol), the teeth I brush, the early mornings, the things I dont get to do with my OWN children...
There are SO many sacrifices in what I do. And I dont get paid when Im supposed to? :( Kinda makes me feel worthless. To them anyway. Ughh. You would think that the last person they would want to tick off would be the person who cares for their children. Changing the subject now.
Its Mothers Day weekend. And no matter how many years pass, or how many children Ive been blessed with. Mothers Day is always a reminder of the children I carried with me for such a short time .. I will celebrate being a Mother to my 3 amazing babes. But I will also take a special time, as I always do, to remember the 4 that I never held in my arms. They will forever hold a place in my heart. ♥

*sighh* life.

There are a lot of things I wouldn't change about my life. Leaving only a small handful of "experiences" I really could have done without. Like, for example.. dropping out of school. I'm not talking about high school (although I dropped out of that, too) I'm talking about college. What most teenagers build their little highschool lives up to & some dread completely.. I wonder where I'd be if I would've stuck with it; gone on to finish what I had barely started... I'm not sure & couldnt even begin to Guess.. But one things for sure. I wouldnt be HERE. I wouldnt be the mother to 3 beautiful children. I more than likely wouldnt be a wife.. Well. Maybe a wife. But probably too "smart" to be a mother at such a young age. I'm 25. And sometimes I wonder if I should be doing something More with my life here on Earth...